Pushing efforts to something impossible is like waiting a plane at the seaport.
I wish I can express well the feelings that I am about to tell or let me say, I hope everyone can understand me on why and how am I keep on doing these crazy things despite of the fact that I still have the pride to rule over.
ADMIRATION. That I easily feel this whenever someone exquisite, someone talented, someone admirable, someone cute, someone gentle, someone beautiful or handsome, nonetheless, someone special appear right infront of me. That this feelings easily turned to the stage wherein I fall. I was, yes, stupified by that fact that these certain people has their own life before showing up right at me. I was not brave enough to know the life I can have, having them. I tried giving it a try, many times.. alot. I tried it first with ‘Shindong’. Those crazy times when all I want to see was him. Those crazy times when all I wanna talk to.. was him. Those crazy times when all I wanna say was his name. I was being blinded by the fact that we can’t even be friends. That fact, is somewhat real, however, that fact can always be changed. Yes indeed. That fact is always changeable.. Not until I gave up. I gave up pushing efforts towards someone who can’t even see my worth, or were those efforts aren’t that enough to attain the status that I want?! Until one day in our lives, here comes the ‘Trish’.. Trish is now his girlfriend. And me? I was left in great pain. That was the result of the efforts I truly made. It ended as like I studied well but still failed.
That was my point though, now that I got over with him (Shindong), there’s someone ‘again’ for the second time caught my attention. But for my sake, I didn’t push efforts through, though I always find a way to talk to him, I always left speechless after..I don’t know why I admire him on the first place.. If it’s because he’s a man of music, that’s only the additional, but the real thing, I liked him even before I knew he’s got into that music. Well, that music thing is just a proof that I should like him more.
Am I that crazy or stupid AGAIN? That for the 2nd time, my efforts and time will be wasted for same reason again?! Or I don’t even know when to become numb when everywhere I see and go were bunch of admirable people.
I fall easily, but I’m not that brave enough to face the reality. Or is it, I’m not that brave enough to make and push more efforts because I’m afraid of the rejection thingy?! That was hell of reality. Dom might even reject me even before I push the real efforts. And I won’t just let my heart be hurt like that again. Never. I mean, pain is consistent, but as mush as possible that I can avoid it, I will do all means not to feel pain again. ALL MEANS.
‘I really liked Dom. But if in the end is just rejection, It’s better to keep it.’ Right? Am I right? Am I making any sense right here?
Or Am I just coward? ~ TT.TT